Wiley: 'I did a tune for Ed Sheeran, but he didn't want to do one for me'
Hi, Wiley. You're often credited as the godfather of grime. Does this mean you can have people brutally bumped off?
Um, no. I think the reason they say "godfather" is that if music is like a youth club, I keep people together.
You initially called grime "Eskibeat" and released songs called Eskimo, Avalanche, Ice Rink and Snowman. Why did you think your music might appeal to Eskimos?
That was just my noise. Dizzee was making his Dirtee Stank beats. So I named the beats I was making Eski beats.
Surely Eskimos would have trouble listening to your music – where are you supposed to plug in a stereo in an igloo anyway(1)?
It's not Eskimo, isn't Inuit (2) what you say? I'm not sure if they heard it but I'm sure that they could understand the cold.
You had a single called Wearing My Rolex. I often leave my watches on people's draining boards after the unlikely event I've done the washing up. Then again, my watch only cost £9.99. Is one more careful with a Rolex?
No way. I'll treat this watch like it was 5p, let alone £10.
Where's the strangest place you've left it?
On a girl's wrist.
You also had a single called Pies. Please can we quickly review some pies. 1) Those Fray Bentos pies you get in tins from the garage.
Ah, they're top, like old school. They used to do sweet ones with apple pie inside for pudding.
2) Pork pies? Also a type of hat.
Yeah, they're good.
3) Pie charts.
Nah, I don't know what that is.
Who would you most like to hit in the face with a custard pie at this precise moment? Me?
Not you, you ain't done nothing. I'm not in a bad mood today. Tomorrow, maybe.
You had another song called Cash in My Pocket. At what point did you decide to go from writing about Eskimos to writing about things you might think about when you leave the house: Am I Wearing my Rolex? How Much Cash Have I Got in My Pocket? Oops, Where's My Bus Pass?
I make beats, not write songs. But I'm with you. What's next, you mean?
Yes. Is your next single called, Hang on, I think I've Left the Iron On?
No, my next song is going to be, in that vein [thinks for ages], She Took My Car. "She took my car/ I'm ringing her/ She's not answering."
Is this the same girl who tried to steal your Rolex?
No, this would be a different one.
Tsk. Women, eh? The BBC reported you'd died in 2008 but you still seem to be alive. Er, are you the resurrection?
It wasn't the BBC (3). I laughed even though it wasn't funny. I thought: "I'm flipping alive." If I had died, it wouldn't have been funny.
You fell out with N-Dubz. (4) How come?
I did a song for them and when it was their turn to return the favour, they just didn't. Do you know the truth? I just wasn't in their bracket. I would have had to be getting No 1s with them at the time. I understand that now.
You've also fallen out with Ed Sheeran. What's wrong with Ed? He's doing his best despite everything.
I did a tune for him, he didn't want to do one for me. I know Ed doesn't hate me and I don't hate him. When you get to a certain level you're not allowed to work with people who are not on your level. That's the problem.
You also failed to turn up to a gig at the University of Warwick claiming you'd been in a car crash, but later revealed you were "tired". Fair enough, tiredness causes accidents.
F them, F that question, F you and F everyone! I'd just got back from Australia and I've got jet lag, get with the programme.
Rap quiz! Which of the following are acts you've been associated with, and which are brands of mouthwash?
Plague? Worked with him. Flow Dan? Worked with him. Oral B? That's the mouthwash. Major Ace? Worked with him. Scorcher? Worked with him. Colgate? Toothpaste. Slimzee? Worked with him. Listerine. Mouthwash. Who done that?
Me!
That's clever.
Thanks, Wiley. Wile E Coyote uses ACME instant holes and just-add-water booby-traps to catch The Roadrunner (5). Ever wish you had Wile E's arsenal to help you on a day-to-day basis?
No. He never catches him. That's why I didn't want to be that Wiley, that Wiley gets too much hassle. If I want to catch me a bird, I don't need all that trouble.
[COURTESY OF THE GUARDIAN NEWSPAPER GROUP]
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